The Problem With Polyjuice
by amyxaphania
Summary: Sirius Black thinks he’s got the perfect plan to get James Potter together with Lily Evans. But when the plan doesn’t go accordingly, chaos and confusion reign the halls of Hogwarts. Has Sirius ruined James’ chances with the girl of his dreams?
1. Denial and Detention

A/N: Hi! This is just going to be a short Lily/James story, probably about 5 or 6 chapters. It's the first fanfiction I've written in three years (usually I'm just reading them!), so I'd appreciate reviews telling me what I'm doing right (and what I'm doing wrong!) Thanks for reading!

Chapter One – Denial and Detention

"So Lily," Alice Byrne began, fixing her eyes on her best friend, "what just happened with you and James in the Common Room?"

"What do you mean?" Lily answered, not looking up from the book she was reading.

"You know what I mean! You and James looked like you were actually having a civil conversation!"

"Well what's so wrong with that? It's not like we've never spoken before." She looked up when she heard Alice snort in derision.

"Spoken, yeah right, more like shouted, yelled and screamed!"

"Who's Lily been screaming at now?" Lily's other friend, Dorcas Meadows entered the dormitory just then, drying her short brown hair on a towel, "Potter?"

"That's just it," Alice said, "Lily and James just had a civil conversation. No shouting, no insults, no cursing, nothing!"

Dorcas frowned, and then looked disbelievingly between her friends.

"Seriously? And he didn't ask her out either?"

"Nope. Great isn't it?" Alice smiled. "Maybe she'll finally admit she likes him?"

"Will you stop talking about me as if I'm not here?" Lily exclaimed exasperatedly. "I really don't see what's so shocking about the fact that Potter and I had a conversation! And it wasn't even a particularly interesting conversation at that – he just wanted to finalise the details about the next Hogsmeade weekend with me. Not like that Dorcas! I'm Head Girl and he's Head Boy, we have to talk. And, for the record, I don't like him!"

"But-" Alice began, before being interrupted by Lily.

"I don't want to hear it."

"If you'd just-"

"No, Dorcas! Just drop it, okay? I'm trying to read my book." She waved the Potions textbook at her friends to demonstrate her point, and then settled back onto her bed to finish the chapter.

Dorcas shot her an amused look, and motioned to Alice to leave the dormitory.

"Still convinced she likes James?" Alice asked as they descended the stairs leading to the Common room.

"Yes. Notice how once you get onto the topic of James she goes on for ages?"

"I know, but that's usually just about how much she hates him."

"Or, she does like him and is trying to convince herself she doesn't by badmouthing him at every chance she gets."

"That's logical," Alice replied sarcastically, then sighed, "but I guess that's Lily."

_888_

Sirius Black was having a good day. He'd bagged a date with that gorgeous Sixth Year, Emmeline Vance, Professor McGonagall had actually complimented him on an essay well written (something that did not happen very often in the world of Sirius Black), and he hadn't even got into any fights!

'Yep,' he thought, 'all in all it's been a good day'. He grinned, congratulating himself on a day well spent, sauntering along the corridor towards the Great Hall where dinner was soon to be served.

Unfortunately, Sirius' day was about to go downhill very rapidly, and it started when he saw the seventh-year Slytherin Severus Snape nearing him from the opposite direction.

Sirius wasn't sure what it was about Snape that got him going – other than the fact he was a slimy git. He supposed it might be the hooked nose, or the greasy hair, or simply the fact he was an evil human-being, but there stood the fact that Sirius couldn't stand him. Not many people could.

He smirked as Snape got nearer, and decided that he would round off his excellent day with a bit of Snape-baiting.

"All right Snivellus?" he said jovially as Snape passed him. The Slytherin ignored him and continued down the corridor. "What? You're not going to stay and chat? You wound me Snivellus!"

Snape turned around and scowled at Sirius, stalking up to him and leaning close to his face.

"If you knew what was good for you, you'd shut up Black." Snape muttered.

"If you knew what was good for you Snivellus, you'd brush your teeth in the morning. Wouldn't hurt to wash your hair either." Sirius smirked, holding his nose.

"Is that the best you've got?" Snape asked, stepping back and glaring disdainfully at Sirius, "An eight-year-old could come up with better insults than that."

Sirius sighed. "As much as it pains me to say it Snivellus, you're right. An eight-year-old could come up with better insults. So how about if we stop this childish banter, and I get on with hexing you?"

Sirius pulled out his wand and pointed it at Snape. Just as quickly, Snape took his wand out, training it on Sirius.

"Well, Black? Are you just going to stand there?"

Sirius aimed his wand and muttered a spell, at the same time as Snape cast his first hex.

"Palmado!"

"Cassucanso!"

That seemed to be the cue for the two boys to completely lose it. Snape now sported a broken and bloody nose, and Sirius was pretty sure his kneecap was damaged in some way.

Spells and hexes shot between the two, and when Sirius had time to consider, he thought he was coming out of it better. Along with the broken nose, Snape now had a cut lip and black eye to match.

He heard Snape cast another spell, and dodged out of the way, bumping into somebody.

"WHAT is going on here?" shouted the person he'd bumped into. It was Professor McGonagall.

Sirius grimaced, and turned to face the deputy-headmistress. He smiled weakly, "Hi Professor…"

_888_

James Potter looked up as his best friend slumped into the chair opposite him, a scowl on his face.

"Where were you during dinner?" he asked, "and why is your shirt collar torn?"

"I got into a fight with Snape. McGonagall caught us."

"Bad luck. Suppose you've got detention then?"

"Yep."

"Lost many points?"

"Fifty."

"Ouch. Y'know, Evans is going to kill you. She just finished earning back the last fifty you lost last week."

Sirius shrugged. "I don't care what Evans thinks."

"Well in case you hadn't noticed, I do. And when you do something stupid, even if I'm not involved, she usually ends up blaming me too." James sighed.

"She still not receptive to the James Potter charm then?"

"Nope. I'm beginning to think she never will be either."

"You just need to change your game-plan. So far, nothing you've done has worked. Maybe I should talk to her?"

"Don't you dare Sirius! I can only imagine how bad that conversation would be." James looked panicked, and Sirius chuckled.

"I was only joking mate, don't get so worked up."

"Sorry Padfoot, but I really like her. At this point, I'd do anything to convince her to give me a chance!"

"I still think I could talk her round. No one can resist Sirius Black. Not even Miss Lily Evans."

"Please Sirius, don't say or do anything to her." James said.

Sirius said nothing, but stared contemplatively into the fire.

_888_

"Hey Lily."

Lily looked up when she heard someone address her, but frowned when she saw who it was.

"Oh, it's you. What do you want Potter?"

"Do I have to have a reason to talk to you?"

"Usually."

"Maybe I just like your company." James said, making himself comfortable at the table Lily was sitting at in the library.

"Not likely. You're James Potter. You've got to have some ulterior motive."

He didn't say anything, just stared at her speculatively.

"What?" she asked irritably, "do I have ink on my face or something?"

"I was just thinking how pretty you looked." It took awhile for James' brain to catch up with what his mouth had said, but when he did, he winced, and waited for the inevitable blow.

But nothing happened, and when he looked at Lily, he was surprised to see she was blushing faintly, and staring into the middle distance.

James frowned, confused over her reaction, and then decided to leave her to her thoughts. He stood up to go, but put his hand onto her shoulder.

"Night Evans."

_888_

Lily jumped as she felt the gentle pressure of James' hand on her shoulder.

"Night Evans."

She didn't acknowledge him, choosing to wait until he'd left the library before she buried her head in her hands.

Ever since that night, a week ago now, that Alice and Dorcas had suggested, no, insinuated that she might like James Potter, she couldn't get him out of her head. He seemed to be everywhere she turned – in classes, at mealtimes in the Great Hall, in the Common Room. And just now, in the library, where she'd thought she would have been able to escape him, he had to turn up and tell her he thought she was pretty. And she'd blushed!

She groaned. She didn't like James Potter. She wouldn't like James Potter. It wasn't possible. There was no way she was going to fancy James Potter. And that was that.

_888_

Sirius was not having fun. Chatting up girls was fun. Pranking Slytherins was fun. Consuming copious amounts of alcohol was fun. This was not fun.

It was Friday night, and Sirius was in detention. Professor McGonagall had thought it would be a good idea for the two boys to serve detention in the library. Sorting books. Sirius could not think of anything more boring. This sort of detention would be more suited to Remus, but for Sirius it was torture. And they weren't allowed to leave until all the books that had been checked out that month and returned were back on the shelves in the correct place.

Some of the books however, required Sirius to go into the restricted section, and for a boy like Sirius, this was a great temptation indeed. He didn't have much interest in books, but he knew that the books in the restricted section were restricted for a reason. And so, when he had found enough books from the restricted section to make a prolonged amount of time there seem less suspicious, he passed into the roped-off area of books.

Having finished returning the books to the correct place on the shelves, he began to browse through some of the more dangerous looking volumes.

Passing over 1001 Ways to Revenge an Errant Lover and How to Kill Someone Without Arousing Suspicion, his eyes landed on the mouldy looking tome, Moste Potente Potions.

Curiosity piqued, he heaved the hefty book from the shelf, sank down to the floor and began to leaf through it, though not before checking to see if Madam Salter, the decrepit librarian was anywhere near.

Seeing that the coast was clear, he looked at some of the different potions displayed in the book. Some of them looked particularly nasty, such as the 'Ferretosus Potion', which, upon closer inspection was nothing to do with ferrets, but a potion that turned a persons muscle into stone. Another potion that Sirius wouldn't be attempting any time soon was one that changed your gender, permanently. As much as Sirius would like to understand girls, he didn't think he'd like to be one.

On the next page, Sirius saw a potion that he remembered hearing mention of in one of his lessons a couple of years ago. It was the Polyjuice Potion, and as he read through the list of ingredients and instructions, a plan began to form in his mind, a plan, which if successful, would make James very happy. Very happy indeed.

A/N: So that was chapter one. Just what is Sirius' plan? Will Lily admit her feelings to herself? Find out next chapter! Please leave a review, and thanks for reading!


	2. In Which Sirius Is An Idiot

**A/N: Well I'm back with the second chapter. In this chapter we find out what Sirius' plan is and things get a little messy. Enjoy!**

**Chapter Two – In Which Sirius Is An Idiot**

James Potter was driving Lily insane. And it wasn't because he was being an arrogant prat, or that he was hexing people randomly in the corridors. It was because he _wasn't _doing those things.

It had now been a month since what she had dubbed "The Revelation" that is, the night that Alice and Dorcas had told her she liked James Potter, and since then she had come to realise that they were right. And she hated herself for it.

Not because she didn't want to feel that way about him. Since she had realised she fancied him, she'd begun to notice more and more things to like him for. And it was driving her mad, because now she'd begun to take an interest, he seemed to be losing it. He hadn't asked her out once since the beginning of term, and it was now the middle of November.

At that present moment, it was six o' clock in the morning, and being unable to sleep, she was sitting in the common room, fighting an internal battle. One part of her wanted to march up to him and snog him in front of everybody, and the other told her to be rational and leave things as they were.

"Argh! Stupid Potter!" she said out loud.

"What have I done now?"

Lily jumped at the sound of the voice. Without even looking up, she knew it was James. She glanced up at him guiltily, to see him looking questioningly at her.

"Nothing, I…" her voice trailed off as she saw what James was wearing. Or rather what he _wasn't_ wearing. Clad in only pyjama bottoms and _nothing_ else, Lily felt her mouth go dry as she stared at him.

"Well?" he raised his eyebrow at her, and began to make his way over to where she was sitting.

"Uh…" Lily was shocked by herself. She wasn't the sort of girl who drooled over good looking men. But she couldn't deny that James' body was _amazing_.

He sat down on the sofa next to her, and she couldn't help the way her eyes were drawn to his torso.

"You going to tell me why you're shouting my name to the empty common room?"

"You haven't got a top on."

James chuckled, "Observant as ever Evans."

Lily blushed. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately when James was around.

"Um, no, you see what I meant to say was…well…hmm."

"I see. Well, just in case you wanted to know _why _I've not got a top on, I was hungry, and I remembered Sirius left some chocolate frogs down here last night. I thought I'd come and get them. And I couldn't be arsed to get dressed properly." James' voice had a teasing quality to it.

Lily had never felt more embarrassed in her life. She had just been…_ogling_ James Potter's body, and then she couldn't form a coherent sentence. And so she reverted to doing what she knew best when he was around. Arguing.

"Why would you think I care?" she snapped.

"Well you did seem to be staring at me pretty hard," he said, as he unwrapped a chocolate frog.

"For your information, I wasn't staring, I was...I was…"

"Gaping? Gawking?" James supplied.

"Oh shut up Potter."

"Anything for you Lily," James smirked, then, "I'm off back to bed. See you in the morning!"

James started back towards the boys staircase, pausing only slightly to grin when Lily called after him.

"But it is the morning, you idiot!"

_888_

It had been a month since Sirius had started to brew the Polyjuice Potion, and it was nearly ready. He only needed a part of the person he wanted to change into, and he would be able to put his brilliant plan into effect.

He waited until James, Remus and Peter had left the dorm for breakfast, before bounding over to James' bed and inspecting his pillow.

"Yes!" he exclaimed in triumph, as he saw what he wanted: a hair from James' head.

He picked it up, examining it, to make sure that it was one of James' hairs.

Just then, the door opened and Sirius jumped guiltily. It was Remus.

"I forgot my Charms book," he said, looking suspiciously at Sirius, "what are _you_ doing?"

"Nothing. I'm not doing anything. Nuh-uh, nothing, zero, zilch."

"If you're sure," Remus said slowly, then, "come on, let's go get some breakfast."

Sirius nodded, and watched as Remus left the dorm. Then he hurried over to his bed, and carefully put the hair into an envelope, before following his friend down to the Great Hall.

_888_

Lily noticed that James had been sending her knowing glances and secret smiles all day. She knew it was because of her behaviour in the common room that morning, and she hated the fact that he had something over her.

He knew he had been the reason she had been rendered practically speechless, and this was what she hated. It would probably inflate his already humongous ego to giant proportions. She was startled from her reverie by the arrival of Alice and Dorcas in the dorm.

"What's up with you and James?" Dorcas asked, perching herself on the end of Lily's bed.

"Yeah, he's been giving you weird looks all day," agreed Alice, "did something happen between the two of you?"

"No! Nothing happened." Lily answered, a little too quickly.

Her friends looked at her with suspicion.

"C'mon Lils, I've been your friend long enough to know when you're lying."

"Honestly, nothing happened! Nothing that's important anyway."

"So something did happen?" Dorcas smiled slyly, "you kissed, didn't you?"

"No! All right, I'll tell you! But you won't find it interesting."

"We'll be the judge of that." Alice said.

And so Lily told them what had happened that morning in the common room, and when she had finished, they were just sitting there, staring at her.

"See? I told you it was nothing to crow about." she said.

"What do you mean?" Alice cried gleefully, "this is great! He might know that you like him."

"I don't like him! How many times do I have to tell you two?"

"There's no point denying your feelings Lily," Dorcas said, "we know you fancy him."

Lily looked between her two friends, and decided they were right. What was the point of hiding it?

"All right! I do fancy him! A lot!" She groaned when she saw the look Dorcas and Alice gave each other, before they burst out laughing. "Don't laugh! What am I going to do about it?"

"Do? You even have to ask? You're going to tell him." Alice replied, laughter in her voice.

"Oh no. No, I can't do that. Because then he'd know."

"Hence the point of telling him," Dorcas laughed.

"But what if I tell him and he throws it back in my face? What if he laughs, or tells me he finds me utterly repulsive?"

"Lils, he's been asking you to go out with him since fifth year. I think it's pretty safe to say he feels the same way."

"He hasn't asked me out this year."

"That doesn't mean he's stopped liking you." Dorcas replied.

"Maybe."

"Well? What're you waiting for? Go!" Alice urged, pushing her towards the door.

"I have to go now?" Lily moaned, resisting slightly.

"Yes! If you don't go and tell him now, you never will!"

"Fine, fine. I'll go. But if it goes badly, I'm blaming you."

_888_

_Being James Potter was strange_, Sirius decided, _very strange._ James was taller and thinner than he was, and it was weird wearing glasses (he'd nicked James' spare pair from his bedside table).

To put the plan into effect, he'd had to make sure James stayed away, and so he'd locked him in a broom cupboard. James was not going to be happy with him when Sirius let him out, but needs must.

Sirius had procured a thermos flask in which he had some Polyjuice Potion, just in case the plan took longer than, well, planned.

Just then, he noticed Lily coming towards him from the direction of the girls' staircase. She had a determined look on her face.

"Hi James," she smiled when she neared him, and Sirius had to think for a moment before he remembered that _he_ was James. "Do you think we could talk?"

Sirius nodded. "Sure Lily." He waited for her to start talking.

"I meant in private?"

"Oh, right."

He followed her out of the portrait hole and into an empty classroom. She perched herself on one of the desks, and he sat down opposite.

"So Lily, did you know that they've rearranged the alphabet? They've put U and I together."

Lily frowned. "James, are you trying to chat me up?" she asked sceptically.

"Might be," Sirius replied confidently, but he was now thinking that maybe this hadn't been such a good idea. That chat up line usually worked on most of the girls he went out with. _But_, he reasoned, _Lily's not most girls._ He was about to make an excuse and run out to hide in the dorm until the potion wore off, but he couldn't, because Lily began to speak.

"James, I wanted to talk to you about what happened this morning in the common room," she paused, "well, not just what happened in the common room. I wanted to talk about us. I…well, I like you."

Sirius looked at her in shock. Even he, with his morals, knew that this was wrong. _James_ was supposed to be hearing this not him. But he looked like James. This wasn't supposed to happen! Sirius started to panic. What should he do? He couldn't just leave now; Lily would think _James_ had run out on her. He looked up at her, about to explain that he was Sirius, but she'd started speaking again.

"I know you've fancied me for a long time, and I was horrible to you! In fact, I don't know why I'm telling you this! You probably hate me. You know what, I'll just leave."

She turned to go. Sirius had to do something, he had to do something otherwise he'd be ruining James' chance with the girl of his dreams.

"Lily, wait!"

She stopped, and he turned her around by her shoulder, before pulling her towards him quickly, and kissing her.

It was only a quick kiss, and Sirius knew how wrong it was of him to do it, but he couldn't let his friend down.

When she pulled away from him, she smiled shyly.

"Goodnight James," she said, in a low voice, "we'll talk tomorrow." And then she left.

**A/N: Ooh…and the trouble begins! How is Sirius going to fix this? Find out next update, which again, shouldn't be too long, probably after uni finishes for Christmas, which is the 9th Dec. Thanks for reading, and review please!**


	3. Consequences

**A/N: Well here's the third chapter. I found this quite hard to write, so I hope it's okay! Thanks for reading, and don't forget to review!**

**The Problem With Polyjuice**

**Chapter Three – Consequences **

Sirius stared after Lily's retreating back in horror. He couldn't believe what he'd just done. James was going to kill him when he knew. Sirius had to tell him what had just happened, otherwise Lily would go up to him tomorrow, and expect him to know what had transpired.

Glancing at his watch, Sirius saw that his hour was almost up, and decided to wait in the empty classroom until the potion wore off. He was angry with himself for not giving the plan more thought. He'd known he was taking a risk, but how was he supposed to know that tonight was the night Lily was going to confess her feelings to James?

He kicked the leg of a desk moodily, wincing in pain when his foot connected with it.

A couple of minutes later, he felt his hair growing longer, his height shortening and his vision blurring beneath James' glasses. Dejectedly, he left the classroom, making his way towards the cupboard he'd left James in, prepared for the consequences when he'd told James the truth.

888

Lily entered the dormitory apprehensively. She knew Dorcas and Alice were going to be waiting for her, waiting to hear what had happened with James. She still couldn't believe it herself. Okay, he hadn't said much, but he hadn't told her he hated her! He'd kissed her!

Of course, Dorcas and Alice squealed when she told them the events of the evening, and they asked her all sorts of questions; "What did he say?", "Is he a good kisser?", "Is he your boyfriend now?"

Lily felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders after talking to James, and she went to bed feeling more content than she had in weeks.

888

Sirius skidded into the dormitory, taking a moment to collect his breath, and then looked around him wildly. James wasn't there, only Remus and Peter.

"Where's Prongs?" he asked.

"Dunno," Peter replied, "he came in about fifteen minutes ago, muttering 'stupid, idiot Padfoot', then took the cloak and map and left again."

"Why?" Remus asked, "did you do something to him?"

Sirius bit back the ironic laughter that threatened to escape, before answering his friend, trying to play it casual. "Oh, y'know, I just locked him in a cupboard."

Remus raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything and went back to reading his book.

Sirius decided to just sit up and wait until James returned, after all, he couldn't stay out all night.

Unfortunately, like many of Sirius' plans, this idea failed spectacularly. He fell asleep, and so didn't notice when James returned to the dormitory at around midnight. And he overslept, and so didn't get a chance to talk to him before breakfast either.

At a quarter to nine, Sirius could be seen running towards the Potions classroom, trying to simultaneously do his tie up and brush his hair. He needed to speak to James before Lily did. He was convinced if he explained what had happened – that it was a misunderstanding, James would be able to talk to Lily and sort everything out. It was all going to be all right – he knew it.

He skidded into Potions five minutes late, mumbling an apology to the professor and sliding into his seat next to James.

"Where've you been?" James whispered, as the professor continued the lesson.

"Slept in, listen James, I need to talk to you about something,"

"What?" James frowned slightly.

"Potter! Black! If you would kindly stop talking and pay attention to my lesson, perhaps we could continue?" Professor Slughorn turned back to the blackboard and carried on explaining the properties of the silencing potion they were studying.

Sirius made a face, and tried to concentrate on what the teacher was saying, vowing that he would talk to James as soon as the class ended.

"Right," Professor Slughorn said, "that's the theory. Hopefully, you'll all be able to brew the potion. You have…" he checked his watch, "thirty minutes to complete the potion. You may begin."

Everyone began to busy about, fetching the ingredients for their potions. Sirius was partnered with Peter in this class (Remus was with James), and so he once again had no opportunity to explain everything to his friend.

The silencing potion they were brewing, a variation on the charm, was used mainly by weary mothers when they needed peace from their wailing children. It was a complicated potion, requiring precise measurements and timings.

Sirius sighed. Being partnered with Peter in potions was generally not conducive to great work. They got to work on the potion, Sirius taking charge, but about fifteen minutes into the brewing, he was becoming increasingly frustrated with his friend.

"For goodness sake Wormtail! How many times do I have to tell you the toad liver goes in _after_ the beetle eyes?"

Peter smiled apologetically and held something out to Sirius.

"Peace offering?" he said, handing him a chocolate frog.

"Hmm. Thanks Wormtail." Sirius leant over the cauldron to take the chocolate, but somehow, it slipped from his fingers and plopped into the mixture.

"Damn!" Sirius exclaimed, and then he picked up a ladle and fished the chocolate out of the cauldron, wiped it on a cloth, and then examined it critically. "Wrapper's intact, it's not melted. Should be okay." Then he unwrapped it, and ate it.

"Padfoot that is disgusting!" Peter exclaimed.

Sirius smiled open mouthedly, showing a mouthful of chewed-up chocolate. He gulped it all down, and then opened his mouth to reply.

But no sound came out. He tried again. Nothing.

"Why are you gaping like a fish, Padfoot?" Peter asked, stirring the potion anti-clockwise four times.

Sirius made a flapping gesture, pointing at his throat, then mouthing words, then pointing at his throat again.

"Huh?"

"What on earth are you doing Black?" Professor Slughorn had noticed something was amiss and now stood behind Sirius, who was jumping up and down, flapping his arms wildly in panic.

"Well? Answer me, or it'll be detention for you!"

Sirius held his hands at his throat and made a pleading face to Peter. By now, the rest of the class had abandoned their potions and were watching curiously.

Peter looked at the chocolate frog wrapper, then at the potion, then at Sirius pointing at his throat. Then he understood.

"Professor! He dropped his chocolate frog in the potion and then ate it!" Peter said all of this in a rush, omitting the fact that it was his chocolate frog, and that he had given it to Sirius in the first place.

"I see." Professor Slughorn pursed his lips. "Black! Go up to the hospital wing and explain to Madam Pomfrey what has happened. She may not be able to help – the potion mixing with the chocolate may mean it takes longer than usual to wear off."

Sirius frowned, then pointed at his throat again.

"Oh yes, I see. You won't be able to explain yourself. Pettigrew! Go with him."

Sirius and Peter left the classroom and Professor Slughorn turned to the rest of the class.

"What are you all standing around like idiots for? Bottle up your potions and label them ready for marking."

888

By lunchtime, Lily was very confused. James had been acting as though last nights kiss hadn't happened. He was acting the same way he had before they'd kissed. At the moment, he was sitting with Remus and Peter, laughing about something, probably Sirius' predicament.

She sighed, and dragged her gaze away from him. Alice giggled.

"What?" Lily snapped at her friends.

"You! Mooning over James." Dorcas replied.

"I am _not_ mooning! I'm wondering why James hasn't even mentioned last night. He hasn't said anything to me, hasn't even looked my way today!"

"It is a bit strange," Alice admitted, "maybe he's just shy?"

Lily snorted. "James Potter? Shy? Next you'll be telling me the Pope's not catholic!"

Her friends exchanged a confused glance.

"Huh?" Dorcas said.

"Never mind – Muggle thing. But forget about that – what am I going to do about James?"

"Why don't _you_ go and talk to him. You made the first move before, you can do it again."

"Maybe. But what if he's decided he doesn't want to be with me? What if he's changed his mind but doesn't want to tell me?" Lily replied, panic rising in her voice.

"You need to stop all these 'what ifs'! Of course James still wants to be with you – he's been trying to get you to go out with him for the past three years! Though I must admit, it _is_ a little strange that he's not dancing on the tables in happiness. Or at the very least, trying to kiss you again." Alice said thoughtfully.

"That's why I'm worried," Lily sighed, "Maybe I _should_ just go and talk to him."

"Yes! Do that!" Dorcas replied, smiling slightly.

Lily carefully put her knife and fork together on her plate, and then stood up. She took a deep breath, and walked slowly to the other end of the table where James was sitting. He didn't seem to notice her approach, or if he did, he gave no indication of it.

She tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned around.

"Hey Evans," he said, smirking slightly.

_Evans?_ Lily thought, _why is he calling me Evans?_

"Could I talk to you James?"

He frowned. "Well, I'm eating lunch right now. Can't it wait until later?"

"No! I need to talk to you now." Seeing Remus and Peter hanging on her every word, she added, "in private."

James frowned again. "Fine, I'll come now! See you two later." He followed Lily out of the Great Hall and down the corridor until she found an empty classroom. Lily shut the door, and turned to face James.

"James. I want to know why you've been ignoring me all day."

"What? I haven't been treating you any differently than I normally do!" James replied, brow furrowed.

"Exactly! I mean, I would have thought…y'know, _something_ might have changed between us." Lily stumbled over her words, and bit her lip, awaiting James' response.

"Why would anything have changed? I mean…" James was silenced by the look on Lily's face.

"Why would anything have changed?" Lily repeated, slowly…dangerously.

"Well, yeah…" James looked distinctly uncomfortable now, he was finding it difficult to meet Lily's gaze.

"I can't believe it! I can't believe I thought that we…I mean, you're a prat! You don't care about anyone's feelings but your own. I don't know why I thought it would be different now! I really don't!" Lily was shouting by now, and James felt himself getting angry. What had he done to make Lily so upset? He'd not spoken to her very much that week, there was no reason for her to be angry with him.

"I have no idea what you're on about Evans! Of course nothing's changed! Why would you think so?"

"Why would I think so? Urgh! Potter, you are the most despicable, arrogant, infuriating idiot I've ever met! You can't just mess someone about like this!" Lily screamed at him.

"I don't have to stand here and listen to this," James said, frowning at Lily, and he went to leave the classroom.

"Don't you walk away from me when I'm shouting at you!"

James ignored her, and went to open the door, only for it to start to open of its own accord.

"I mean it Potter! This isn't over!" she pushed James on his chest, causing him to stumble backwards, and fall through the open doorway, landing next to a pair of feet. Unfortunately, Lily didn't notice and continued shouting. "You are going to listen to me you arseho-"

"Miss Evans! I do not expect to hear you using such profanities! Or physical force against another student. You are Head Girl, you're supposed to set an example to other students! You too Mr Potter!" Professor McGonagall nearly shouted.

Lily blushed and stared at her feet. "Sorry Professor."

"I don't want to, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to discipline the both of you the same way I would other students. That means detention."

"Professor!" Lily looked up in shock.

"I'm sorry Miss Evans. Detention, for both of you. I'll send you the details. Now get to your next class."

888

**A/N: I can't tell you how long it took me to write this chapter! First I had to find a way of keeping Sirius from talking to James, and then the argument at the end – I had to write it in a way that James would have no clue as to what Lily was talking about. I'm still not completely happy – although I did manage to sneak in the genius (in my opinion) line I borrowed from the BBC's recent "Much Ado About Nothing" – 'Don't you walk away from me when I'm shouting at you!' I heard it in the programme, and just _had_ to use it in this fic! Review please, I'll get the next chapter out ASAP. Thanks!**


	4. Confusion

**A/N: I'm _so_ sorry I haven't updated this in so long! Christmas kind of got in the way, I had uni work to do, and, my sister got _The Sims_ for Christmas and I've become kind of addicted J. I _am_ going to finish this story, don't worry, even if the updates are a bit spaced out from now on. So, here it is…Chapter 4...**

**The Problem With Polyjuice**

**Summary: Sirius Black thinks he's got the perfect plan to get his best friend James Potter together with Lily Evans. But when the plan doesn't go accordingly, chaos, confusion and mixed messages reign the halls of Hogwarts. Has Sirius ruined James' chances with the girl of his dreams?**

**Rating: PG-13/TA**

**Chapter 4 – Confusion**

"I just don't get it Moony, I mean, what did I do to her?" James flopped backwards onto his bed in frustration, then glanced at his friend, who was reclined on his own bed, a book laying open on his stomach.

"What exactly did she say?" Remus replied, a bemused smile on his face as James stood up and began pacing the room.

"Well, she asked me why I'd been ignoring her all day…then some stuff about how something had changed between us, then she rambled on about feelings, started insulting me and pushed me over into McGonagall! I don't understand it mate, I really don't."

"Are you sure you didn't say anything to her, or do anything to her?"

"No! That's why I'm so bloody confused. I tell you, Moony, I'm _never_ going to be able to understand girls, _never!"_

_888_

"Urgh! He makes me so angry! Just standing there like he hadn't a clue what I was talking about! Then landing us both in detention with McGonagall, honestly Alice, I could kill him right now!"

"Lily, I think you need to calm down. I'm sure James has got a reason for the way he acted…I mean, it's weird that he's pretending it never happened, especially when he's fancied the pants off you for so long."

"That's what _I_ don't understand! Last night, when we kissed, he was being really great. I just thought…well, I thought things would be different between us, like we'd be boyfriend and girlfriend. I never thought for one moment he'd act like this."

Lily frowned, and her eyes darkened in anger. "Argh! I'm going to kill him!"

_888_

"Moony?"

"Yeah?"

"Where's Sirius? I haven't seen him since Potions – and it's not like him to miss dinner."

"True."

"So where is he?"

"More than likely, still in the hospital wing," Remus replied, "we should probably go and see him. It's a bit surprising that he's not been back. Madam Pomfrey should have been able to restore his voice by now, surely?"

"I'd have thought so," James said, frowning. "Shall we go and see him then?"

"Yeah. Come on, we can get Wormtail on the way, he's in the common room doing that Transfiguration essay. Trust Wormtail to leave it to the last minute."

They left the dormitory, Remus following James down the staircase, not really paying attention to where he was walking, and so, when James abruptly stopped, it was no surprise that Remus bumped into him.

"Oy! Why'd you stop walking?"

"I can't go in the common room."

"Well that explains a lot. Why can't you go in the common room?"

"Evans is there."

"And that makes sense, because…"

"Because she's going to kill me." James replied, very matter-of-factly.

"What are you on? Lily's not going to kill you. Okay, so she got angry at you for no apparent reason, yelled at you, insulted you a bit, then pushed you into Professor McGonagall, but that's no reason to think she's going to kill you."

"She is. First she'll yell at me until I have a headache, then insult me until I feel worthless, then she'll kill me, chop me up into little pieces, stamp on me a few times, turn my battered-body parts blue, then feed me to the giant squid."

"Prongs, you're being stupid, now let's go and visit Sirius before he thinks his friends have forgotten about him." Remus said, half-laughing at James' absurd thoughts, and half-worried about his friend's sanity.

"All right then. Oh no! She's looking over here! We'd better go before she kills me. I'll make a run for the portrait-hole, you grab Wormtail and then we'll high-tail it to the hospital wing. Got it?"

Remus thought it was probably best to nod, and go along with whatever James said.

"Great! Let's go!"

_888_

"Mr Black, I don't see any reason why you can't return to your tower."

A panicked look flew over Sirius' face, and then he scribbled something onto the small blackboard Madam Pomfrey had given him to communicate with until the potion wore off.

_Please Madam Pomfrey! I don't want to leave! I like it here!_

"Mr Black, your voice will return in a couple of hours. You may leave."

Sirius frowned. He didn't want to leave and face James. He didn't want to have to admit what he had done. He picked up the chalk, and was halfway through writing another message to the nurse, when he felt a strange sensation in his stomach. It felt like it was going to explode, his insides were churning in and out, up and down.

He looked up at Madam Pomfrey and saw her staring at him, a horrified expression on her face.

Then, as suddenly as it had started, the feeling stopped. Only to be replaced seconds later by a tingly-feeling on his scalp, and an itching in his eyes. His mouth felt like it was on fire, and he had the most terrible pain in his gut. It felt like the insides of his ears were bubbling and his nostrils were being stretched this way and that. It was the worst thing Sirius had ever experienced, and it was still going on. The sensation in his stomach returned, he felt like he was going to be sick, he felt bloated and full, his head hurt and his eyes itched and his whole body was in pain.

He could hear Madam Pomfrey in the background, muttering and performing incantations, but he didn't know what was going on. And then everything went black.

_888_

Lily was sitting in the Common Room with Alice and Dorcas, trying to do her Ancient Runes homework, but failing miserably. She couldn't keep her mind off James and his strange behaviour. Over the past hour, she'd examined over and over everything that had happened leading up to last night and its events, and everything that had happened earlier in the transfiguration classroom. She sighed, and looked down at the page, but the runes looked like nothing more than strange squiggles on the paper. Frustrated with the homework, and frustrated with herself, she slammed the book closed, and glared at it.

"You know, Lils, staring at the book won't get the essay done any more quickly."

"Thankyou for that amazing insight, Miss Meadows. I'd say that calls for a round of applause!" Lily replied sarcastically, clapping her hands together twice.

Alice giggled, and Lily glared at her.

"What's so funny?" she demanded of her blonde friend, who ceased giggling immediately.

"You are! Honestly Lils, you need to cheer up a bit. It's only James."

"Yeah," Lily replied, "only James. Only James, who-" she stopped abruptly.

"Only James who what?" Dorcas prompted, when Lily didn't say anything for awhile.

"Only James who's been standing at the foot of the boys' staircase for the past few minutes talking to Remus." Alice replied, before Lily had a chance to say anything.

The three girls stared over at the stairs, where, indeed, James was standing, talking to Remus. All of a sudden, he ran, very quickly, towards the portrait hole, jumping over a coffee-table and a group of first year girls sitting on the floor, before leaving the tower without looking back.

Remus, meanwhile, had left the bottom of the stairs more slowly, moving towards where Peter Pettigrew was sitting. They exchanged a few words, then Peter began to pack away his things. As soon as he'd done that, they made their way towards the portrait hole, and the last thing Alice saw, was Remus shooting Lily a sheepish smile, before exiting the common room.

Lily shook her head, before looking at her two friends.

"You know what? I'm _never_ going to be able to understand boys, _never!"_

_888_

"Mr Potter, Mr Lupin and Mr Pettigrew. I'm sorry to have to tell you this. Your friend is…well he's…" Professor McGonagall broke off, took a breath, and then continued. "We've contacted somebody at St. Mungo's, they should be here shortly. Madam Pomfrey couldn't do anything for him. It's a tragedy, it really is."

"Can we see him Professor?" James asked.

"Of course, Mr Potter, of course. I ask that you prepare yourselves for the worst. You may not recognise him. Such a shame…he was a good looking young man…such a shame."

James, Remus and Peter followed the Professor through into the Hospital Wing, and over to a section of the wing that had been closed off by curtains.

"You may have fifteen minutes with him. I must go and see if the representative from St. Mungo's has arrived yet."

James glanced at Remus and Peter, then he took a deep breath, and pulled open the curtain. Nothing would have prepared him for the sight on the other side.

_888_

**A/N: Ooh…a cliffhanger! Sorry about the shortness of the chapter, and the lack of anything actually pertinent to the plot happening! What has happened to Sirius? Will Lily and James resolve their problems? Next chapter _shouldn't_ be too long, though I'm not making any promises! I'm back at uni next week, so I'll write when I have time. Thanks for reading, and review!**


	5. Water Fights and Kisses

A/N: Hello! I'm updating this a little earlier than I'd planned, though now that probably means the wait for chapter 6 will be longer. Anyway, in this chapter we find out what happened to Sirius, and things start to get interesting for Lily and James…

**The Problem With Polyjuice**

**Summary: Sirius Black thinks he's got the perfect plan to get his best friend James Potter together with Lily Evans. But when the plan doesn't go accordingly, chaos, confusion and mixed messages reign the halls of Hogwarts. Has Sirius ruined James' chances with the girl of his dreams?**

**Rating: PG-13/TA**

_Last time…_

_James glanced at Remus and Peter, then he took a deep breath, and pulled open the curtain. Nothing would have prepared him for the sight on the other side._

**Chapter 5 – Water Fights and Kisses**

"Sirius? Is that you?" Remus asked, shocked beyond belief.

"Yes, this is Mr Black. I'm afraid the incident in your Potions class earlier is having some unforeseen side-effects." Madam Pomfrey ducked into the cubicle, a clipboard in her hand.

"_This_," James gestured at the bed, "_this_ is Sirius? My best mate Sirius?"

"I'm afraid so Mr Potter. It is rather unfortunate."

James looked again at the person sitting on the bed. He looked _nothing_ like Sirius. In fact, it was as if someone had taken all of Sirius' good qualities and reversed them. Instead of being tall and muscled, he was now short and grotesquely fat. Instead of having thick, black hair, it was grey and straggly and there wasn't really much of it. His teeth, normally straight and white, were yellowing and crooked. His once perfect nose had elongated and was slightly bent. There were tufts of coarse grey hair protruding from his nostrils and ears. Sirius Black, the ladies-man _extraordinaire_, noted as being one of _the_ sexiest boys in school was _ugly. _

"Bloody hell." James didn't know what else to say.

"That about sums it up." Remus said, sounding shocked, and then to Madam Pomfrey, "is there any way to reverse it?"

"I have tried several times to reverse what has happened. Obviously, nothing has been successful, thus far, which is why a specialist is coming from St. Mungo's. In all my time as a nurse, I've never seen anything like this. Never."

Sirius, who had made no indication that he had been listening to the conversation, looked around wildly at this, and picked up his blackboard and chalk.

_Please tell me I'm not going to be stuck like this forever! I'd rather feed myself to a rampaging Manticore than look like this for the rest of my life!_

"I'm sure everything will come right, Mr Black," Madam Pomfrey said, reassuringly patting his hand, "I'll leave you alone with your friends.

"So," James started, unsure of what to say, because whilst he knew this was Sirius, he couldn't quite believe that it was, "so…I guess you're not going out with Emmeline tonight then, huh?"

Sirius shot him a withering glance, and then Peter began to giggle. Sirius turned his glare onto his friend.

"Sor-sorry, Si-Sirius!" Peter managed to choke out, between giggles, "but you have to admit, it _is_ kind of funny. I mean – look at you! You're hideous!"

_It's not funny, Wormtail! What if they can't get me back? What if I look like this forever? I was gorgeous! Girls are going to hate me! They're going to say 'eurgh look at that Sirius Black, can't believe I used to fancy him' I have uncontrollable flatulence, bad body odour AND some things are smaller than they were before. SMALLER!_

James tried very hard not to laugh. "And I guess your voice hasn't come back either?"

_No. I'm miserable and ugly._

Just then, Professor McGonagall entered the cubicle, followed by Madam Pomfrey and a tall man with blonde hair, wearing St Mungo's healer robes.

"Mr Black, this is Healer Robert Granville, he'll be looking after you. Potter, Lupin, Pettigrew, return to your common room please, you may visit Mr Black tomorrow after your lessons. Oh, and Potter? You'll report to my office tomorrow night at eight o' clock for your detention. Could you please inform Miss Evans?"

James nodded, and then they all left the hospital wing, chuckling at Sirius' condition.

They were still laughing when they reached the common room.

"The look on his face when you asked him if he was still going to meet Emmeline, Prongs!" Peter said as they were approaching the Fat Lady, "Priceless!"

"D'you think they'll be able to make him look normal again though?" Remus asked.

"Probably. Healers can do practically everything," James replied, before giving the password, "firewater."

The portrait swung open, and they went into the crowded common room.

"Even made you forget about the Evans situation, eh Prongs?" Peter joked as they made their way to a sofa near the fire.

James' face fell a little, "Yeah, I guess. Is she in here?" He peered around the room, looking for the shock of red hair that belonged to Lily.

"No," Remus replied, "I thought you were afraid she was going to kill you?"

"I was. I mean I am. Well…sort of. I mean, she's not that scary, is she?"

"Of course not," Remus reassured, "and she's just come down the girls' staircase, so why don't you go and talk to her?"

James shot him an alarmed look. "Why would I want to do that?"

"You need to tell her about the detention tomorrow. And you could probably apologise as well." Remus replied.

"I have nothing to apologise for! I didn't _do_ anything, remember?" James grumbled, before getting up and making his way over to where Lily had sat down, and was now reading a book entitled _The Lord of the Rings_.

"Um, hi Evans."

"Go away Potter," she said, without looking up from her book.

"Look, I know you're angry with me for some reason, but McGonagall wants me to pass on a message to you, so just listen, okay?"

She looked up at him, her eyes narrowed, then in an impatient voice, "All right Potter. What is it?"

"We've got our detention tomorrow night at eight. Meet at McGonagall's office."

James wasn't sure if he should wait for a reply from Lily, but he did anyway.

"Was there anything else Potter?" she half-shouted exasperatedly.

James was getting fed up with the way she was speaking to him. He hadn't _done_ anything to her.

"Yes, actually. I want to know what I've done to make you so angry at me!"

"Done? You want to know what you've done? You're unbelievable Potter! One of a kind, and that's _not_ in a good way!"

She slammed her book closed and pushed past James towards the girls' staircase.

_888_

The next morning found Lily, Alice and Dorcas eating breakfast with Remus Lupin.

"Where are your little comrades this morning, Remus?" Lily asked, surprised to find Remus _sans_ Potter, Black and Pettigrew.

"Er…they must have overslept," Remus replied. In actuality, James and Peter were in the hospital wing with Sirius, checking on him before they attended lessons. He hadn't gone, as he was designated with making excuses to Professor Sprout if they were late.

"How's Black after what happened in Potions yesterday?" Dorcas asked curiously.

"Um, he's all right I think." Sirius had warned them explicitly (well, the best he could with a blackboard), what would happen if he told _anyone_ of his current situation.

"Has his voice come back yet?"

"No."

"Well that's something we can thank Merlin for," Lily said jokingly, "though it would have been better if it had happened to Potter."

"What exactly went on with you two?" Remus asked, "Why are you angry with him?"

Lily frowned. She didn't exactly like talking about what James had done.

"He hasn't told you? I thought that's what Marauder's did? Play around with girls' feelings and then joke about it with their mates." She bitingly replied.

"He hasn't said anything. I don't think he knows what he's done to upset you." Remus said, trying to keep the curiosity out of his voice.

"Well if he doesn't know, I'm not going to tell him. You can pass that on if you like." She then stood up, and stalked out of the Great Hall.

Remus raised his eyebrows at Alice and Dorcas.

"Don't worry," Alice said, and patted Remus' hand, "she's been like that a lot lately."

"Do _you _know why she's so down on James lately?"

The girls exchanged a pointed look, and seemed to silently communicate something with each other.

"Yes," Dorcas replied slowly, "we do know. But we need to respect Lily's privacy, and if she doesn't want to tell you, we don't think we should either."

"Sorry," Alice smiled at him.

Remus shook his head. Girls were strange sometimes.

_888_

"Hey Lils."

Lily looked up from the book she was reading.

"Oh, hey Alice."

"Why weren't you at dinner?" Alice asked, sitting down on the end of Lily's bed.

"I wasn't hungry."

"Lily, you've got to make up with James sometime, you know. You can't keep ignoring-"

"You got an owl," Lily interrupted her friend, "it looks like Frank's writing."

Alice squealed and jumped up from the end of the bed, hurrying over to the desk where an envelope awaited her. She tore open the letter, scanned it quickly, then clutched it to her chest, sighing, before flopping back onto Lily's bed.

"Hey, watch it! Collapsing on my legs, honestly!" Lily said, jokingly, "Well? What's he said to make you all lovesick?"

"Nothing much. Just stuff about Auror training, and how hard it is, that sort of thing."

"And…?"

"And nothing!" Alice looked up at Lily, who was trying hard not to smile, "Oh all right! Lots of stuff about how much he loves me, and how he can't wait until I've left Hogwarts so we can move in together!"

"You're going to move in together?" Lily asked, sounding shocked, "Seriously? When did you decide this?"

"Well, we've been thinking about it for a while, but nothing was really decided until last Hogsmeade weekend, when we met up. It's going to be great, Lils, honestly, oh…I'm so happy!" When Lily didn't say anything, Alice looked at her friend, who was frowning at the bed clothes. "Lily, you're not angry or anything are you? I mean, I know, when we were younger we talked about getting a flat together, me, you and Dorcas, but…well, I'm with Frank, and we _really, really_ want to live together, and you understand right? It's just that I love him so much, and well-"

"Alice!" Lily interrupted suddenly, "Alice, stop! I'm not angry, honest. I'm just a bit…well, jealous, I guess. You and Frank, you're perfect together, and it makes me feel like I'm never going to find anyone to be like that with."

"You will," Alice said, taking Lily's hand and squeezing it gently, "and, hey, once you've patched things up with James, maybe I'll be the one getting jealous."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Forget about it Alice, James and me? Never going to happen, I've worked that much out. And _if_ I ever got together with Potter, which I won't by the way, why would you be jealous?"

Alice grinned, "Well, he _is _super rich isn't he?"

Lily stared incredulously at her friend, before throwing her pillow at her, and then they both collapsed onto the bed in fits of giggles.

_888_

James trudged down the corridor towards McGonagall's office. He was _not_ looking forward to the detention.

He could see that Lily was already there, she was leaning on the wall opposite the door, she hadn't seemed to notice his approach.

He reached the office, and glanced across at Lily. She made no sign that she knew he was standing there. James opened his mouth to say something, but changed his mind halfway. He sighed, then leant on the wall opposite her.

After five minutes of uncomfortable silence, the door to McGonagall's office opened, and she stepped out, looking between her two head students.

"Mr Filch has informed me that the trophy room is in need of a good cleaning. You'll find buckets and cloths waiting for you. No magic. Mr Filch will relieve you from your duty at midnight."

James nodded, and set off towards the trophy room, aware that Lily had followed him. He didn't know what he had done wrong, but he did know that four hours alone in the trophy room with the red-head would surely be an interesting experience.

_888_

Lily's back was aching, and she'd only been in detention for an hour. She hated cleaning. It was so boring and repetitive: cloth in bucket, rinse, wipe, cloth in bucket, rinse, wipe. And the silence was so oppressive. James hadn't said one word to her in the whole time they'd been there.

Okay, so she hadn't said anything to him either, but that was because he was being a prat and deserved it.

All of a sudden, a loud sigh broke the silence, and she looked out the corner of her eye to see James staring at her, looking lost. She turned resolutely back to her bucket, and the piece of floor she was cleaning. Cloth in bucket, rinse, wipe, cloth in bucket, rinse, wipe. She was not going to feel sorry for him!

_Come on, Lily,_ she scolded herself, _he's the one who's in the wrong, not you!_

And she continued with her cleaning.

_888_

Two hours had passed. And still, she hadn't said a single word to him. The only noises in the room were the rhythmic sounds of water being rinsed from damp cloths.

It was killing him. James hated silence. If only there was some way he could get her to talk to him. Try and find out why she was angry with him.

Just then, James heard a squelching noise, followed by a splashing noise, and then Lily's angry voice. He looked up from his bucket of dirty water, and saw her standing on the other side of the room, dripping wet. Hovering above her was Peeves, cackling in glee.

"Peeves! Get out of here!" Lily shouted at the crowing poltergeist, who stuck his tongue out at her, before zooming out of the room.

James stared at Lily, unsure of what would happen now. She looked furious.

"What are you staring at Potter?" she asked scathingly.

James couldn't help it. She was glaring daggers at him, but the menacing effect was slightly undermined by her appearance. Her long red hair was sticking flat against her head, and as James watched, a drop of water slid down her nose. He just couldn't help but laugh.

"It's not funny!" she pouted. James paid no heed, laughing at her predicament, when suddenly, he felt something wet land on his head. He stopped laughing and looked at Lily, as the damp cloth slid off him and onto the floor.

Lily looked like she was trying hard not to smile.

_All right Evans, _he thought, _if that's what you want…_

He picked up the cloth from the floor, dipped it in his bucket of water, and threw it back.

It landed on the front of her T-shirt, before flopping to the floor, leaving a wet, soapy mark on her chest.

Soon, there were soapy cloths flying back and forth, and within no time, James was soaked. But he didn't mind. Okay, so this wasn't talking, but it was enough for now.

_888_

Lily was a bit confused over how this had actually started, this strange water fight, but she wasn't complaining. It _was_ rather fun. In fact, she was actually laughing as she tried to dodge James' very well-aimed waterlogged cloths, laughing as she threw hers back, usually missing by several feet.

After a while, she saw James grin evilly, and he picked up a bucket of water and began to walk over to where she was standing.

_Uh-oh._

She should probably move.

_He's going to tip that bucket all over me._

She really ought to move.

_And I'm going to get even more wet than I am right now. Why aren't I moving? Run away Lily!_

She didn't though. There was something mesmerising about the way James was walking towards her, his eyes fixed on hers. She felt like a deer trapped in headlights. She couldn't help but notice how his wet T-Shirt was sticking to his chest.

_His very sexy chest,_ she thought, remembering the incident in the common room the other day, _no! Don't think about that!_

James was still advancing on her, grinning, the bucket of water in her hands. She couldn't understand why she hadn't moved, hadn't thrown something at him to impede his progress.

Lily closed her eyes and waited for the inevitable to happen. After a few seconds, and no water had been dumped on her head, she opened them again, to find James standing right in front of her.

She glanced at his face, to see him looking at her with a strange expression. She glanced down again, only to find she was now eye-level with his chest.

_Damned sexy chest._

Heart pounding, she looked up again. James was still staring at her, that unreadable expression on his face. Their eyes locked together, and she shifted uncomfortably. She needed to say something, something to break the tension that gripped the room.

"Aren't," she began, finding her voice strangely scratchy, "aren't you going to pour that water all over me?"

"Not if you don't want me to," he said slowly, his eyes never leaving hers.

"I don't," Lily whispered, barely loud enough to hear.

"All right then." He put the bucket down on the floor. The clang it made as he set it down resonated in the silence.

Lily swallowed. Despite her clothes being completely soaked, and despite the chill in the room, she felt uncomfortably warm.

"I wanted to apologise," James said softly, "for whatever it was that I did to upset you."

"I-" Lily began, but stopped abruptly. What was she supposed to say? Her brain was trying to formulate a response, when suddenly, she felt James' lips on her own.

Shock and surprise flashed through her mind, before she began to kiss him back. She wound her arms around his neck, and felt his hands move to her waist. Her lips tingled with the intensity of the kiss, she tangled one of her hands into James' messy, black hair, the other moving to rest on his lower back.

When the kiss ended, she closed her eyes, not wanting to look at James. She felt him take both her hands in his.

"Lily?" he ventured, "are you all right with this? I mean-"

She opened her eyes. "I'm fine. That was…that was…" she trailed off, unable to find the words to describe how she felt. She was surprised at how intense it had been, the last time she had kissed James she hadn't felt half of what she was feeling now.

"I know what you mean," he replied, "it was…well…wow."

"It was."

Lily chanced a look at his face. He was smiling, his eyes alight with happiness, and she felt herself begin to smile back.

"Although," James started, "that's not really how I'd imagined our first kiss would go. For one, we weren't both covered in dirty cleaning-water!" He chuckled.

Lily began to laugh along with him, until she realised what exactly it was that he'd said.

"Wait," she said, frowning, "did you just say 'our _first _kiss'?"

_888_

A/N: And so ends chapter 5. I hope you enjoyed that – for me, I had the most fun writing this chapter. And I hope what I did to Sirius was satisfactory enough for you! Next chapter will be the last…but will there be a happy ending? Thanks for reading, and please review!


	6. And It All Hits the Fan

**A/N: Sorry this has taken so long to get up folks. This chapter was a bugger to write, it really was – wouldn't cooperate with me! And I'm still not convinced I like the ending. Or the beginning. Or even the middle, come to that. **

_Last time…_

"_Although," James started, "that's not really how I'd imagined our first kiss would go. For one, we weren't both covered in dirty cleaning-water!" He chuckled._

_Lily began to laugh along with him, until she realised what exactly it was that he'd said._

"_Wait," she said, frowning, "did you just say 'our first kiss'?"_

**Chapter 6 – And It All Hits the Fan**

"Yes," James replied, smiling slightly.

"But…what about the other day?" Lily frowned, confusion evident on her face.

"What about the other day?" James repeated, unsure of what she was talking about.

"You can't have forgotten! We kissed!"

James face was blank, then he chuckled. "We kissed? I think I'd remember if we kissed, Lily."

She sighed exasperatedly. "Monday night, I asked if I could talk to you, and we went to the empty transfiguration classroom. Then you came out with a cheesy chat-up line, I got a bit angry at you, then you kissed me! Ring any bells?"

"None, actually," James frowned, "are you sure?"

Lily resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "James, I've fancied you for ages, and I _know_ that I kissed you on Monday! It's why I've been angry with you since, because you were acting like nothing had changed between us!"

"Lily, I really have no idea what you're talking about. Sirius locked me in a cupboard for half of Monday evening, and then I went flying when a fifth year heard me yelling and let me out. I honestly didn't kiss you."

"But…if it wasn't you, who was it? You don't happen to have an identical twin walking around, do you?" She smiled weakly, "Because I _know_ I kissed someone on Monday, and I _know_ he looked like you. I'm not going mad, I know I'm not."

James reached forward and took her hand in his.

"I believe you. From the sound of it, someone thought it would be a good joke to impersonate me and lead you on."

"But who'd do that? It's a cruel trick. I-" she paused, feeling her voice shaking, "I really like you James, and I wanted to tell you. But instead I told someone else, some bloody _prat_ and they _kissed _me! Urgh, that makes me feel horrible, someone _used_ me. You too."

James pulled her into a hug, and she sighed, resting her head on his shoulder. She felt James place a light kiss onto the top of her still damp head, and felt slightly ashamed when a tear ran down her face. She felt annoyed with herself, that she was letting this upset her so much.

"I should have known it wasn't you," her voice was muffled as she spoke against his chest, and laughed hollowly, "I mean, even when you were asking me out three times a week, you never resorted to '_did you know that they've rearranged the alphabet? They've put U and I together'_."

James pulled away from her quickly and stared at her. "That's what he said to you? The person who was impersonating me?" He said all of this in a rush, and the ferocity in his tone surprised Lily.

"Yes," she replied slowly, "I did think it was slightly out of character for you. Why?" But James did not appear to be listening, he had begun pacing up and down, running his hands through his hair and muttering under his breath.

"I'll kill him. Bloody idiot."

Lily reached out a hand and touched him on his arm, turning him to face her once again.

"James, who was it that I kissed?"

James looked directly into her eyes before replying, "I think it was Sirius," he sighed, "that's his favourite chat-up line. He thinks it's hilarious. I'll bloody kill him!"

"And you said he locked you in a cupboard Monday night…what time was that?"

"I don't know, around eight?"

"Your impersonator kissed me at about half-eight. If it was Sirius, and it sounds like it was, he locked you in the cupboard to keep you out the way."

James nodded, a furious look on his face. "He must have brewed Polyjuice Potion," James said, pacing once more, "now that I think about it, he'd been acting weird for weeks – rushing off to 'do something' at the oddest times. Must have been brewing the potion."

Lily felt confused. Why would Sirius, James' best friend, do something like this? She knew he was a notorious prankster, but what he'd done was a little extreme, even for Sirius. And then she began to feel angry with him. How dare he do this to her? How dare he listen to her confessing her feelings for James, knowing all along that she wasn't talking to James? He'd had plenty of opportunities to tell her that night. Why hadn't he? She felt her anger bubbling to the surface, and looked at James, her eyes blazing.

"Where is he?" She asked, "I think I'd like to kill him now."

888

"Mr Black, now that I've been able to reverse the effects of the silencing potion, I'd like you to tell me again everything you ingested in the forty-eight hours before this happened. Our test results are…inconclusive."

Sirius stared at the healer morosely. It was nearing midnight, and all he wanted to do was to go to sleep, not be cross-examined by an incompetent Healer, who couldn't fix him. And anyway, hadn't they already been through this? Hadn't he already told the healer that on Monday he'd had bacon and eggs for breakfast, soup at lunchtime and steak pie for tea? And that yesterday he'd only eaten the porridge he'd had for breakfast and the chocolate frog that had started all this?

Healer Granville was still looking at him levelly, obviously awaiting an answer. Sirius sighed, and reeled off the list of food, whilst the healer ticked a list attached to a clipboard.

"Yes, that's all we'd found out from the tests, Mr Black. Are you _sure_ there's nothing else? You didn't consume anything unusual, maybe one of those new trick biscuits from Zonko's? Or a potion, perhaps?"

Sirius' eyes widened as he remembered that he'd taken the Polyjuice Potion on Monday. _How_ could he have forgotten? He mentally kicked himself, and then wondered what was going on with James and Lily. Had James found out that Lily was under the impression they'd kissed?

"Mr Black? If there was anything, I really do need to know."

"I…" Sirius began, unsure of whether he should tell the Healer. It could get him into a lot of trouble, but if he didn't tell him, there was a possibility he'd be stuck looking like this forever. He shuddered at the thought. "I _may_ have taken a potion on Monday."

"What was it?" Healer Granville asked, frowning slightly.

"If I tell you, you won't tell Professor McGonagall, right? Healer/Patient confidentiality and all that?"

"Well that depends on what the potion was. Was it something illegal?"

"Not illegal...though I don't think Professor McGonagall would, er, _appreciate_ the way in which I used it." _James won't either._

"Well, I can't say one way or the other that I won't inform your Professor, but for now, just tell me what it was. You don't want to stay in your present form for any longer than is necessary, am I correct?"

Sirius nodded fervently, hating the feeling of several chins wobbling as he did so, and sighed. "All right then. It was the Polyjuice Potion." Sirius looked at the Healer to try and gauge his reaction. The Healer merely raised his eyebrow and jotted something down on his clipboard.

"I can't imagine _why_ you'd have taken the Polyjuice Potion, Mr Black, and I'll have to do some research into its effects when combined with the silencing potion you consumed yesterday. I'll be back tomorrow morning, hopefully with some conclusive results. Oh, and Mr Black? I won't be telling your Professor at this stage." He tapped his nose conspiratorially, then strode away from the cubicle. Sirius watched him depart, a slight grin on his face, which evaporated when he saw Lily and James enter the Hospital Wings, their clothes dripping with water, and identical murderous looks on their faces.

888

James knew Sirius had done some stupid things in his life. Not least last years' shrieking shack incident, and the time when he'd stolen McGonagall's underwear in third year. But this took the biscuit, it really did.

At the moment, he was on his way up to the hospital wing to confront Sirius about his idiocy. He chanced a glance at Lily, who was walking by his side. She looked even angrier than he felt, and he couldn't blame her really. What James couldn't get his head around, was the reason Sirius had done this, what had been the point, really?

They entered the hospital wing, pushing past Sirius' healer, and it was only when Lily angrily shouted "Well where is he then?" that James remembered Sirius' looked like a fat, balding, smelly old man.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. Sirius had a reaction to the potion he took yesterday," James gestured at the figure sprawled on the bed, "that's Sirius."

Lily's eyes narrowed. "It is, is it?" And she strode over to the bed, where James could see Sirius looked slightly terrified. He could understand that; when Lily was angry, she was _scary._

"I _can not_ believe you Black! Did you think it would be funny? Did you have a good laugh, listening to me pouring out my feelings for James? Did you think 'oh, Lily looks a little down today, maybe I'll impersonate my best mate and kiss her'? Did you even _think_ at all?"

"Lily! It didn't turn out like it was supposed to…I honestly didn't mean to upset you." Sirius spluttered, and James couldn't help but be amused at the way his jowls wobbled as he spoke, before remembering he was angry at his best friend too.

"What did you think you were doing, Padfoot? I mean, I know you can be thick sometimes, but did you honestly believe that doing something like that wouldn't hurt someone?"

"Prongs, I-" Sirius began, but was cut off by Lily, who had sank down into the chair beside the bed, and rested her head in her hands, before she looked up at Sirius.

"_Why_, though Sirius? I don't understand _why_?" Her voice wasn't angry anymore, just sad.

"Well, I thought I'd be doing the both of you a favour. When I came up with the idea, you didn't like James. I thought it would be fun to impersonate him and try and talk you round a bit. Merlin knows, James wasn't having any luck. How was I supposed to know the night I took the potion would be the night you wanted to confess your feelings to James? And I felt _really, really_ bad afterwards, Lily. And I _did_ try and tell you, Prongs. But then I ate that stupid chocolate frog and lost my voice. I am _so _sorry that I did this," Sirius looked surprised that he had apologised, "and you'd better remember that apology, cos' Sirius Black doesn't do that often!"

"Well it was a stupid thing to do," Lily said, "but I suppose it was well intentioned."

Sirius grinned, "Does that mean I'm forgiven?"

James smiled, Sirius sounded like an over-eager puppy.

"I guess," James replied, at the same time as Lily said firmly, "No."

Sirius' face fell. "I'm not?"

"Not yet. Though I think one week as my personal slave should even off the balance a bit, don't you?" Lily grinned.

"No problemo," Sirius replied, smiling back, "though I do have one question; why are you two all wet?"

888

"Well," James said, grinning as he leaned back in his seat and wound an arm around Lily's waist, "it's true what they say: revenge _is_ sweet."

"Most definitely," Lily sighed, and contentedly leaned her head on James' shoulder. She smiled at Dorcas and Alice who were sitting opposite, and at Remus and Peter who were sprawled on the floor.

It was Saturday afternoon, three days since the detention, three days since Lily and James had officially become _LilyandJames_. They were sitting in the Gryffindor common room, waiting for Sirius to be released from the hospital wing.

Alice giggled, as she picked up one of the many sheets of parchment from the table in front of them, and looked at it happily. "I still can't believe that _this_ is Sirius!" She looked across at James, "And one of these has gone to every student in the school?"

"Yep," James replied, looking slightly smug, "and all the teachers too."

Remus let out a bark of laughter. "You didn't tell us you'd sent it to the teachers, Prongs. Even Dumbledore?"

"Of course! He wouldn't want to be left out, would he?"

"You know Sirius won't be happy with this, don't you?" Dorcas put in concernedly, though the tone of amusement in her voice betrayed what she was really thinking.

"Yeah well," Lily said, "after what he did to us, Sirius deserves it."

"I deserve what?" Sirius voice came from behind them, and they all turned to look at him. Gone was the ugly, fat, balding man, replaced by Sirius' handsome features, his shaggy black hair, and his trim form.

No one said anything, except Alice, who handed him the sheet of parchment she'd been looking at. "You deserve this." She said, laughing slightly.

They all watched as Sirius stared at the parchment in horror, his mouth opening and closing in shock.

"Why…" he managed to say, still gaping at the contents of the parchment, which showed a large, coloured picture of Sirius as he had been up until that morning. Written above the picture, in large letters were the words:

**LADIES, TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT SIRIUS BLACK. YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT, SIRIUS BLACK! NO LONGER IS HE THE SEXY YOUNG MAN YOU ONCE LUSTED OVER! HE IS FAT! HE IS BALD! HE IS UGLY!**

Sirius paled as he read the text, and then groaned when he saw what was written underneath the picture.

**GENTS, THIS IS SIRIUS BLACK. THAT'S RIGHT, THIS LUMP OF MANFLESH IS SIRIUS BLACK! NO LONGER WILL HE OCCUPY YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S EVERY THOUGHT! HE IS FAT! HE IS BALD! HE IS UGLY!**

"You call yourself my friends!" Was the last thing Sirius said, before fainting dead away.

888

**A/N: Phew! Am I glad this story is over! Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed over the past five chapters, and to everyone who is going to review this chapter :-) It's been a really fun story to write, and hopefully you've all enjoyed reading it too. Presently, I have no plans to do a sequel of any sort, though of course, this may change. Once again, Thankyou to everyone who's read and reviewed this story!**


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